Shame and Sharing Even When I Have Doubts


Things I ponder…

What can I do with the talent God has given me?

How can sharing my experience with Bipolar 1 have an impact on friends and family?

How can I create content as I am healing?

I have always enjoyed being an encourager. Ever since I was a young girl. I would find the outcast, the loner, the shy person in the room and I would sit with them. I would want to bring comfort to the child being bullied or hiding out in the corner away from the crowd. Sometimes that child was me. But eventually, I found the courage to step into my calling. God created me to encourage the hopeless. And it brings me great joy. I want to make you feel like you are valued, loved and cherished.
Years later, I have become the outsider, the different one, the one looking out and wondering why am I isolating myself. In a room full of people who love me. I can sometimes feel like I don’t belong. I feel misunderstood, awkward and less than. My bipolar 1 can make me feel insecure and ashamed. I have questioned why my brain works the way it does. How can I shift so quickly from one mood to the next? The question I dread the most, “Are you ok?” I just don’t know how to answer that because my mood can be so unpredictable. During the happiest times of my life, I can feel depressed. And when I am in a manic episode I feel on top of the world and don’t want to come down from that mountaintop. A smile has helped me disguise my moods most of the time. Very few people can tell when I’m BSing.
At this moment, I have several thoughts running through my mind of experiences I feel burdened to share. At the top of my list are my manic episodes and hospitalizations. In the midst of these episodes, I felt like I would lose my mind forever. I had very religious thoughts and hallucinations. But at the same time, my faith is what has kept me grounded. It’s difficult to explain but I want to find a way to have you go through this journey with me.  God has worked out a few miracles in my life. He spared from harming myself or others. He has kept me here for a purpose. And I want you to have the same hope for people in your life that may be dealing with mental illness.
As my purpose is revealed I don’t want to let any opportunities pass me by. I want to be completely honest from the perspective of someone who has struggled with mental illness and share the strategies that have helped me cope. I have faith this will bring healing and a deeper understanding to my family and friends.  
There is healing that can occur as I share my story. Enjoy and come along this ride with me. You will not be disappointed.