SILENT MOURNING

 

I sat in his office waiting for a miracle. I was asked to lay down, place my feet in the stir ups and scoot down.

As he turned off the lights and turned on the ultrasound screen I could see you but your heart was not beating. It took a few minutes to process it all and I am not sure if he said anything at all but I sat up, he turned on the lights and his assistant left the room.

I could see it was hard for him to verbalize but the words came rolling out of his mouth and hit me like a ton of bricks. He said the one thing I did not want to hear. Your heart was not beating and I would have to decide what to do next.

I just sank deeper into the room wondering if I could disappear. It swallows me whole. I needed a moment to be alone. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. He went through the few options I had but made it clear to me that another sonogram would not be done. He confirmed that this was the end of the life I had made plans for. He walked over and placed his hand on my shoulder and said nothing else before walking out of the room.

I had planned your nursery, I had planned arts and crafts projects and tried to save pics/ideas daily. I started an online journal and took belly pictures even though you were only the size of a raspberry. I really jumped right into this pregnancy and had no idea it would end abruptly. But that’s how miscarriage is. You feel robbed, it’s unexpected and unexplained. It’s a slap in the face that comes without warning.

From December 5th- January 12, 2014 you were all that I could wrap my mind around. I wanted you so badly and just like that the life inside me was dead.

I would have to carry you as I decided if I wanted a DNC. I would have to carry you to work. I would have to carry you to a hospital where I’d leave you and never see you again.

My heart hurts and I am trying the best possible way to cope. But I miss being pregnant. I wish I had answers. I wish I could change things.

All I can control is moving on and having faith.

I am writing because this is my only way to let your presence be known.

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I WANT WHAT HE WANTS FOR ME

I’ll be honest I bully myself. I give myself emotional black and blues because I have expectations that I was not born to live up to.

I just had a revelation.

My heart can be a real “witch” at times. Snickering and telling me all the things I should own, the car I should drive and the degree I should have. Because that would save the world? Would it clothe the hungry and heal the sick? Sometimes my heart is deceitful and does not reflect the beautiful creature I want to be. I want to be Jesus hands and feet.

My heart tells me I should have a certain career, or house – desires of my heart are not always pure. And these desires sky-rocket every time there is a shift in my life. I have a moment where something in my life goes “wrong” according to my plans and that’s it. I think I can take back control just saying or doing something. I have to remind myself that God, the creator of the moon, the stars has every hair my head numbered and knows me better than I know myself. He has my life written from my first to last day and my future is in eternity.

Without these little reminders of truth my emotions take over and I feel low, unworthy, ungrateful, impatient and sometimes a hint of jealousy arises in me. And that is not a place where I want to be.

I want to be so wrapped in God’s love and promises for me that I can only see what he wants for me. I can find joy and peace in my life day by day. When God-plans and purpose shows up there is no lack. My needs are met and I have joy, not happiness that is momentary. Joy from the Lord that is everlasting.

His word says:
Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This means there is nothing I can do that will separate me from his love. He loves me and his price tag was his own death. I have nothing to offer him but service. I will be his servant and his walking billboard. I don’t have to have a doctorates or a fancy car. I am enough! Jesus can see me.

His word says:
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

I will have eternal life! Now that puts things into perspective. All my life I have rushed, I’ve been running a marathon. Feeling like I have an endless to-do list when my Father says wait – I love you much you will spend eternity with me. So why am I so caught up in deadlines, and what the world thinks I should or should not have or be doing at thirty-one. I have eternity with him. What I do today should send a wave to eternity. My actions will meet and greet me in heaven and the only expectation I should have for myself daily is to love others the way God loves us. That is the greatest commandment to love him and love others.

His word says:
Romans 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Now this is mind-blowing. While I was still a sinner. I am a sinner and will always be imperfect in this imperfect world until I meet Christ. But… While I was still a stinky sinner doing “me” without a care in the world HE died for us! He chose to go up on the cross and shed his blood for the world. That is evidence of the most pure and unconditional love. There was nothing I had to do to be loved. And there is nothing I can do today to earn it- it’s free. He already loved me when he sacrificed his life for mine.

The bibles form of love is so different from what we are taught. In the world, we learn, if I do this he/she will love me. If I have a bigger house or more money I can get this or that. Men think If I buy her the biggest bouquet or ginormous diamond ring, she will love me.

I want what God wants for me. I want what you want for you. I am too old to resist that path he has called me to fulfill here on earth. My to-do list and life goals, “fancy things” are a joke compared to the desires he has for me.

I have vision boards and I have goals. That’s ok.  But I cannot get so clouded in my judgement that I allow these things to control my life.

If I clear the junk out of my heart and ears I will be able to hear his voice clearly through his living and active word. I will be able to understand what he wants for me. You remember when you met your soul-mate, like a puzzle piece, he/she just fit. He/She was built for you. It feels familiar and you just go with the flow. I want my career-path and walk with Christ to fit together perfectly. I will know without a doubt that I am in the center of his will and in the palm of his hand.

The world – people, places and possessions fail. God never does!

God I ask that you cleanse my heart today. Let me love on others the way you have loved me. Allow me to follow you every step of the way day by day. Your light will reveal my path and it will flow effortlessly.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever. (Psalm 73:26 AMP)