NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU!

I am full to the brim with emotion. I am full of the spirit. His presence is thick in this place, in my home, in my heart. I am grateful.

I can’t believe just a week ago – I was feeling
Defeated
Desperate
Alone
Insecure

I let the accuser confuse me and convince me that I was weak, sad and broken. Everything that I am not. Alone I am nothing but with God, I can do all things.

I allowed myself to slip and succumb to his lies. I let myself believe that the dreams I have in my heart and in my bible will not come to pass. The truth is… they will. Everything I have dreamed of will come true as long I keep God in the center of it all.

My dreams were placed in my heart for a reason and my pain now has meaning as well.

I know that God will use this pain for his glory, for his purpose.

It is in the deepest and darkest moments of your life that God comes down from the heavens and lifts you up to a higher place, your true position, before him and his glorious plan for you!

It is when we give ourselves away, trust in him, that our purpose will be revealed. It will be painful at times but he will turn that mourning into dancing. Trust the process and trust your Father.

LOSING MY COOL

Galatians 5:22-25 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.Image

I lost control today.  I am not exactly sure what happened to me but the best way to describe it was as an attack. From one moment to the next I felt a wave of sadness come over me. I was going on and on in my head about my insecurities, my fears and feelings of insignificance. It was an emotional/spiritual attack because I left the door wide open. I am glad that I do have enough self-awareness to recognize my triggers. I was at work and finally scheduled an appointment with a specialist. I was excited to find someone who can run our blood work and hopefully give us an idea why we have had these issues lately. I was completely satisfied after making the appointment but maybe an hour or so after the appointment was scheduled these feelings of inadequacy swept over me.  I couldn’t focus, took several trips to the bathroom to get some air and was overwhelmed for most of the day.

I am vulnerable and I am open to this kind of damage. I had several unhealthy thoughts today about myself and others. Negative thoughts and I haven’t felt that way in a very long time. Despite my effort to post positive quotes on social media, share and receive encouraging verses I was left wide open and today, I was not myself. I want to blame the large cup of coffee or the amount of pressure that is on me at work but the truth is not any of that. Why then do I feel I cannot control myself or my anger. No one is to blame.

I allowed myself to sit in a cloud of despair once a very long time ago and I will not have that in my life again. I decided to come home work out and take control of my emotions. I am disappointed in myself that it was only after I went off on a close relative before I realized that I had to get my emotions in check. I quickly apologized but sometimes that is not enough. I have to admit my mistakes and make my thoughts obedient to the word of God.

It’s interesting how soon we can pinpoint and place blame on someone else for our own actions. I started to. This is not the year for that. While I do have to take time to take better care of myself I have to grow up and realize that I can be in control of my emotions and react in a positive way no matter what my current situation may be.

This is but a fleeting moment and before I know it –  I will have everything I desire and need. I do not need to worry, be anxious, have doubts, feel unworthy or lose control. Those are not characteristics of the Lord. I will be everything that he calls me to be. I will be who I really am and I will remind myself every day to behave in a way that is pleasing to God.

I will have the mind of Christ.

Read more about the fruit of the spirit here: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-anger-20-scripture-quotes/#ixzz2rNMkF7dS

DREAMS

What are dreams made of? 

Are they events we wish would happen 
Can they be things that will occur
I wish I had the answer 
 
Because I saw my baby girl today 
As I prayed I received a clear picture of her 
She was dressed for winter 
Perhaps about 6 or 7 months old
She could sit up on her own 
She was wearing pink and white and sat on a chair all by herself 
I walked towards her and picked her up
Held her close 
That was it
The image flashed before my eyes so quickly 
And before I knew it she was gone 
All I had was one long embrace 
If only I could hold her again 
Even if it’s only a dream 

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HOME IN MY HEART

Prayer Starter: Father, thank you for making Your home in my heart. I need Your presence today, Lord. Help me to honor You with my thoughts and my words and to be a blessing to those around me.

Memory Verse: John 14: 23 Jesus replied, Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make out home with them.

I woke up this morning with a prayer on my heart, to obey Gods word daily and to experience his presence in everyday life. I often read devotionals but do not pray enough. I love to post about God’s word but do not dig into the word or spend as much time in the word as I know I should.

This year I am making a vow to myself and to the Lord. Not only to spend more time in his word but to share the message of the gospel. I want to share my testimony and moments of my life where God has been revealed to me. I want you to know that Gods love, provision and plans for us are real. His presence in my life has been magnified as I have drawn closer to him and it is just the beginning.

During difficult times last year I could have gone down a very dark and lonely road. Thanks to a handful of prayer warriors God was with me. I did not lose sight of him. I chose to stand on his word, his promises and to live a life that brings all glory and honor to him.

Not by my own strength but by HIS.

This year will be better than the last because God will remain in the center of my path. I will not look left or right, I will move forward following the steps he has ordered for me and my family. I pray that you will do the same and join me on this pilgrimage towards the life he has planned, not the life we dream of or desire, but what he has in store for us. I guarantee you, it will be better than you can even imagine.

Our baby in Heaven Daveih Olivo

I am a mess! My thoughts are scattered and a bit anxious. I am holding onto my faith but I want to scream, break things, punch someone and just wake up from this nightmare.
I cry out to God and plead with the Father I know would not allow this to happen, again. I am in denial, I am numb, I am completely desperate for a miracle or at least an answer. I make an effort to do my best in everything. I intentionally have these audio messages on repeat:
  • be a good wife
  • be patient
  • listen before you speak
  • act in love
  • be less judgmental
It seems like I have been doing a “good” job and deserve “good” things. After all, the promises I have been reading daily tell me so. I expect it! I know I have been forgiven and forgive but somehow things still go south.
Over a month ago, I received confirmation that I was expecting my miracle baby, some would call her my rainbow (promise) baby.

On December 6, 2013, I tested positive for my second pregnancy with my husband. After countless negative pregnancy tests and false alarms, we confirmed with our OB/GYN. I was convinced this was God’s plan, his way of saying before the year is out I have given you a gift. A new life. We will never replace Delilah is Olivo, and, we will never forget her. But we desperately want to be parents. This was our answer. This was the answer to our prayers and the perfect way to end a difficult year.

Following the positive pregnancy test, we decided to share it immediately with close family on Saturday,

December 7th. We had just experienced a death in the family and thought why not help cheer everyone up by telling them the good news.

They clearly, were just as surprised and happy as we were. They promised to pray for us and assured me, this was going to be different. We vowed not to take it any further and only share our baby news with immediate family until the baby shower. Until we were in the clear.

The weeks between December and January went by slowly and the day we allowed ourselves to believe wholeheartedly that nothing would come against this pregnancy.

In the name of Jesus, We memorized the scripture, No weapon formed against you shall prosper Jeremiah 29:11, and we prayed it over my womb every single day. We rejoiced in our secret and sacred pregnancy.

Fast forward to January 10th…
No blood or spotting occurred until this point. I wiped myself after going to the bathroom and there it was staring back at me, taunting me. Telling me, you thought you were in the clear. Foolish girl. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Determined to keep my promise, my miracle. I convinced myself, that’s just old blood nothing to be worried about but to ease my mind I left work early and ran to the ER.

My husband met me there and as we waited over 3 hours, we joked, played on our smartphones and tried our best to stay positive.

We did not mention the possibility of death or miscarriage. Why we have the best interests at heart.

We confessed the verses we prayed over the last month. We stood strong in our faith. And then!!! TOMA, I was asked to get undressed and as soon as I did every memory of Delilah Luz came flooding back to me. I was so scared.

This is how it started. Urine sample, hospital gown, and an escort to the ultrasound tech. The hospital was as busy as can be but as soon as I started this all too familiar routine the soundtrack just went mute. I could sense something was wrong.

Everything happened around me and I was in my bubble, my safety net

As the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound his assistant started rocking from side to side (self-soothing), as she continuously pointed to my baby. That’s when I knew something was definitely wrong.

The baby I had dreams of was a girl. She was my daughter and was going to be a chubby August baby with dark hair.

I would name her Daveigh after her papi. But that dream was pulled right out of the chambers of my heart.

The desire to be a mom fluttered away because Daveigh would not rest on my chest or look up into my eyes. She would not smile as I sang nursery rhymes. She would not see her father’s funny faces or give him butterfly kisses in the morning time. In that moment, as that became my new truth, I stopped holding back and let the tears roll down my face. One by one by one.

Can you tell me what’s going on? Are you taking pictures?
Yes, taking pictures.
Is everything ok?
We are not allowed to tell you the results. Your doctor will tell you.
Why? I thought but I did not ask out of my mouth.
My OB/GYN?
No, the ER Doc.
I paused.
I’m dying here. How soon will I get the results?
I was escorted back to the ER. I changed into my clothes and waited for the results. The ER Doc asked me if the ultrasound tech told me the results. I repeated the policy which she is very much aware of and insisted that she tell me herself. She told me the ultrasound tech called it fetal demise because there is NO HEARTBEAT.
Blah, Blah, Blah – after that, I just blocked her out as I started to scream and cry in the arms of my husband. I just couldn’t stand to hear anything else. There was nothing left to say. How I wish she would have stopped there.
It was as if I feel out of myself and watched the entire event unfold from a distance. Feeling sorry for the woman that was now carrying a dead baby in her womb, completely broken and unraveled before complete strangers.
In the distance, I could hear someone say, “Well, people cry in the ER”. I brushed it off. Someone complaining about my hollering…
My first instinct was to find who said that and rip them apart. I suddenly became angry and told my husband we had to leave. I could not grieve or process this the way I needed to.
ER Doc came over after another 20 minutes with a stupid look on her face and discharge papers. I signed here and there. ER Doc told me to follow-up with my OB/GYN and cracked a bat over my skull with these final words, “You know, it is what it is.”
I tried to think of something clever to say but didn’t even have the energy to fight her pure ignorance.
There I was, 10 months later, walking out the same hospital without my daughter, without my chubby healthy baby girl.
All I can do now is open my heart to God and accept the power in his name. That power will heal me physically and emotionally. I have nothing left in me but hope… somehow I know that is enough.